OC Review #1 - Blossompaw

Here is my first Warrior Cats OC-Review.

If you want to have your OC Reviewed (for free, english or german), see this journal: fav.me/d9ubvdc

The owner of this cat wanted to stay anonym.

Italic written is mine

Normal is owners.

Basic Info

Name: Blossompaw (Because she is an tricolor cat with patterns that reminded her mother of petals)
Okay, nice
Gender: Female
Age: 11 moons
Maybe a little bit old for an apprentice
Clan: ThunderClan
K
Rank: Apprentice

Appearance
Image: sta.sh/01c6ht8226sa (On my stash so the owner is still anonym)

She's a light tricolor cat. Her eyes are amber-colored.
She is a light-duty, small cat with a long, elegant tail. She has a little bit small head.

A little bit standart-she-cat. But not too much.

Personality
Blossompaw is an apprentice who will become warrior soon. She is dependent, since her mentor never really tought her to do things on her own. Why? Was he teached like this?
She will not do anything as long as no one told her too, leading to seem lazy for other cats. She only does what she has to. So she IS lazy.She is also credulous, never expecting a lie and she never scrutinizes what others tell her. Blue-eyed. A little bit clichée.
Towards older cats, she is most of the time respectfull, as long as she doesn't dislike someone. But she can be rude towards other apprentices, cats of other clans or rogues and kittypets.
Finally a cat who isn't a hippie who accepts everyone.
She likes her family alot, even though her brother seems to not liking her. If she likes a cat, she doesn't care about mistakes they make.
Okay.

 

Skills

Strengths: hunting, climbing, can jump far, is deft Thats a lot of strenghts!

Weaknesses: fighting, doesn't know some thing because of her old mentor, not phsyically strong

So basically she isn't a good fighter but can still learn to? This is not really a weakness.

Family:
Mother: Beechclaw - A shy, quite cat who loves her family. She is also tricolor.

Okay, little bit short.

Father: Thrushtail - A proud but sometimes fearful cat. He is loyal to the warrior code and loves to make jokes, as an apprentice he was an troublemaker. He is an grey an black spotted cat.

Why isn't he a troublemaker anymore? And how can a fearful cat be a troublemaker?

Siblings:

Brother: Tarnpaw - He never liked authority in any way. He is a loner and doesn't like to be with many other cats. Even towards his sister he was allways unkind and didn't want to play with her. He is a dark grey cat with white muzzle, belly and tailtip, also his paws are lighter then the rest of his body.

Why should an innocent kit become unkind and rude towards his sister? Also, a little clichée here.

Crush: Snowpaw - A white tom with blue eyes. He is an brave apprentice and even though he's a little bit younger than Blossompaw, he is a better fighter and hunter than she is. Is is kind towards every cat, but is most of the time together with his brother Erminepaw and his friends Cloverpaw and Grasspaw.

Blossompaw really likes him because he is skilled and is joalous to of Cloverpaw, a she-cat Snowpaw really likes.

Completly okay for her age, teenager stuff, hm? The brave other apprentice.

A little bit weird, in a den with the crush, his brother, and someone you're jealous of.

First Mentor:

Her first mentor was Firefeather, a red tom who let her do what she wanted and never forced her to do something she don't want to do. Because of this she is behind some other apprentices and can't do some thing others can do, like catching a bird. He died because of wounds from an fight in the thunderclan camp when she was nine and a half moons.

You should have a good reason for him being like that. And the other cats should have seen something, find it weird. Exspecially the other apprentices. Believe, if one has less to do than you, you will notice it.

Second Mentor:

Her second and current mentor is Violaclaw. She is a white cat with creme spots and green eyes.

Not a really common color

She is a strict mentor, she quickly realized that her apprentice is behind the other apprenticeses, even the younger ones. Now she tries to trainer her as much as possible so Blossompaw can become a warrior with her brother, which is a great wish if her.

Violaclaw was a kittypet and rogue once, she entred the clan when she was 10 moons old, no one doubts her now, she is an respected warrior of her clan.

Oh, not clan-born. Be carefull with that. But hey, she lives since a long time there, so I let it pass.

I guess she's strict because she had a strict mentor by her own, being a rogue? The clichées take a little bit over.

Friends:

Hillpaw and Dalepaw: Two sisters which are a little bit older than her. They are both grey tabby cats with white paws, Dalepaw has a white belly and Hillpaw a whtie muzzle. Hillpaw where really kind to her and happy to have another she-cat as an apprentice, Dalepaw is the medicine-cat apprentice.

Snowpaw: The white tom she has a crush on. (Allready described)

Erminepaw: The brother of snowpaw. He doesn't like her that much but respects her as the friend of his brother.

Does she only like apprentices?

Your clan has apprearently many of them.

Enemies:

Cloverpaw - She considers Cloverpaw as an rival since she is jealous of her (Like I said by „crush“), because she is the best friend of Snowpaw.

Grasspaw: He knows that Blossompaw doesn't like his sister, even though she tries to hide it. Because of this he doesn't like Blossompaw and is rude towards her.

So Cloverpaw doesn't know about it. Hmmm.

Also: Your cat sure knows more than just appreantices.

History:
Blossomkit was born with her brother, Tarnkit. They played together, but as he got older, he dissociated himself from her and became rude even towards her. She still really likes her brother and wallways tries to hang out with him. Cloverkit became her best friend, even though later she more liked Snowkit and Erminekit. She had a pretty normal childhood.

Again, why is an kit unkind? I read about caring parents who seem kind. You really should have a reason!

Blossompaw was very exited to become apprentice. Her mentor was Blazefeather, he was really nice and after she got to know him, she loved to be his apprentice. He often gave her free time, if she couldn't do something, he let her skip. Now she knows, she should have tried it harder, but back then she never had to do something she didn't want to. „Oh, he's dead. He didn't train me well anyway.“

He never really did something when she was lazy or didn't want to do what she had to. Sometimes he even did her duties like cleaning the nursery or the elders den when she didn't want to. They became really close.

No explanation here. Even the side-characters and even the dead should have some more personality.

She was very upset after he died.

Dont be too detailled (#sarcasm)

Blossompaw got a new mentor, Violaclaw who should accomplish her trainig. She realised fast, that her new mentor was stricter. Violaclaw knew that Blossompaw was behind the other apprentices. Now she trains her more. Violapaw doesn't think she can become warriors at the same time than her brother but she tries her best.

Blossompaw likes her new mentor but she finds it hard with her and often gets in trouble with her, when they disagree for example, because Violaclaw doesn't like it when someone contradicts her, especially apprentices and other younger cats.

Okay, nice so the too-kind training wasn't all good at least. Consequences, finally.

A short history, she is nearly a warrior.

It's more about the cats around her. You should describe more what happened, her first prey, maybe fights. What did she learn?

All in one, your cat is not an exact clichée, not as outstanding as she could be. But she is a well character, she just needs more background.

Rating:

Mary Sue: 3/10

She has many strenghts, but she is not the brightest cat around and not too skilled. She also had a pretty normal life until now, her whole family is still alive and she is not the most adored cat in the world.

Originality: 6/10

She is not a stand-out but still not one of a thousand. She is an own cat, but not very special, which isn't bad.

Balance: 3/10

She only has one weakness and she can fix it. Erase one or two strengths and add a weakness that really bothers her, and then see. Her character helps too, if she wasn't so blue-eyed and lazy she would've been a 1/10.

Overall: 6.5/10

A solid character with a little more background, she can be a nice OC.

I hope I helped you, at least a bit.

Remember, if you want to have yourself an OC reviewed, here is the link: fav.me/d9ubvdc